第18部分(第1/7 页)

to　passionless　contemplation。　I　understand；　now；　the　intellectual　mood　of　the　quietist。

Of　course　my　good　housekeeper　has　tended　me　perfectly；　with　the　minimum　of　needless　talk。　Wonderful　woman！

If　the　evidence　of　a　well…spent　life　is　necessarily　seen　in　〃honour；　love；　obedience；　troops　of　friends；〃　mine；　it　is　clear；　has　fallen　short　of　a　moderate　ideal。　Friends　I　have　had；　and　have；　but　very　few。　Honour　and　obedience……why；　by　a　stretch；　Mrs。　M…　may　perchance　represent　these　blessings。　As　for　love……？

Let　me　tell　myself　the　truth。　Do　I　really　believe　that　at　any　time　of　my　life　I　have　been　the　kind　of　man　who　merits　affection？　I　think　not。　I　have　always　been　much　too　self…absorbed；　too　critical　of　all　about　me；　too　unreasonably　proud。　Such　men　as　I　live　and　die　alone；　however　much　in　appearance　acpanied。　I　do　not　repine　at　it；　nay；　lying　day　after　day　in　solitude　and　silence；　I　have　felt　glad　that　it　was　so。　At　least　I　give　no　one　trouble；　and　that　is　much。　Most　solemnly　do　I　hope　that　in　the　latter　days　no　long　illness　a　this　life　of　quiet　enjoyment　to　the　final　peace。　So　shall　no　one　think　of　me　with　pained　sympathy　or　with　weariness。　One……two……even　three　may　possibly　feel　regret；　e　the　end　how　it　may；　but　I　do　not　flatter　myself　that　to　them　I　am　more　than　an　object　of　kindly　thought　at　long　intervals。　It　is　enough；　it　signifies　that　I　have　not　erred　wholly。　And　when　I　think　that　my　daily　life　testifies　to　an　act　of　kindness　such　as　I　could　never　have　dreamt　of　meriting　from　the　man　who　performed　it；　may　I　not　be　much　more　than　content？

VI

How　I　envy　those　who　bee　prudent　without　thwackings　of　experience！　Such　men　seem　to　be　not　unmon。　I　don't　mean　cold…　blooded　calculators　of　profit　and　loss　in　life's　possibilities；　nor　yet　the